


Body Language

by digitalrenegade



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heavy Angst, Miscommunication, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25411015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digitalrenegade/pseuds/digitalrenegade
Summary: A whole lot of miscommunication between you and Bucky. How will it end?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Kudos: 38





	Body Language

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Balance and Composure's song of the same name as the title. I suggest you listen to the song while reading this!
> 
> Also my first attempt at something a little heavier. Rated Teen for swearing.

_ Don't you ever leave me out _

_ Are these pieces of you? _

_ You never show _

_ Now I'll never know _

You were a patient soul.

Ever since you found out that Bucky reciprocated your feelings, it took a while to fully persuade him that you were there to stay, regardless of what he said or did to push you away. Despite all the things he did under HYDRA’s control, and all the regret he felt for being unable to stop his misgivings, you loved him wholeheartedly, and you did everything you could to prove that to him. 

You knew that Bucky still kept secrets from you, even after a year into your relationship. However, you never forced nor confronted him into telling you. You kept on telling yourself that everything would come out in due time, and that all you could do at that point is to keep being there for him.

_ You needed to _

_ Get high just to prove _

_ You've got control _

_ And I wanna believe it _

As time passed, Bucky began to change. Around everyone else, he was still the same Bucky. Silent most times, but snarky when needed to be. Around you and Steve, he was more withdrawn. Colder. When you tried to talk to him, most times it would end up with him lashing out at you before withdrawing even more. But you still stayed, and you couldn’t do anything else but watch silently, helplessly, as the man you gave your heart to started building up his walls once more. You learned to watch him from a distance, ready to spring into aid if he ever needed you. 

_ The faces we put on our scars _

_ And then they let me down _

_ I’m famous for my flaws and scars _

_ I’ll take them lying down _

_ I’ve got nothing left to prove _

Bucky was fucked up. He’ll be the first to admit that. Everyone knew that too, and usually kept their distance from him. They’d talk amongst themselves, attempting to mask how they felt about him behind whispers. But he knew. He knew that everyone said. He couldn’t let them know that their words got to him, that it bothered him so, and hid his despair behind a mask of indifference. When you confessed your love for him, he couldn’t help but think back to the shit he’s done in the past. But you didn’t care. You showed him you didn’t care, that you knew he had a bright future ahead of him rather than the dark path that he projected himself into. No matter how hard you tried, and he knew you tried, he just couldn’t see himself being anyone other than the pawn of HYDRA.

_ I've been left alone all my time spent in my head _

_ Try defending all my sins _

_ And if you could only know my body language _

_ We could hold conversations _

_ I've been patient _

He was dumbfounded-- how could you, who never had a bad thing to say about anyone, love him? What good did you see in him? What made you think that he was worth loving? There were so many questions that rushed inside his head, but he was never able to vocalize them. No matter how hard he tried. Even when the two of you were together, he would spend most of his time dwelling in the recesses of his mind. Whenever people would spot the two of you walking together, hands intertwined, they often wondered aloud the same questions he asked himself. Unlike Bucky, you made sure to let them know that you heard them. 

He remembered one occasion where the two of you were walking across the hallway at the compound, and overheard two agents whispering about the deeds that he’s done under HYDRA’s control, and how they couldn’t fathom the idea of you being with him. With that, you stopped walking, and turned to face them, gripping Bucky’s hand tighter.

“He was brainwashed for years! How dare you talk about him like he’s some spy, like he’s going to betray us?” you snarled, anger washing over you. Bucky had never seen you this upset before. 

“And I’m with Bucky because I see the good in him. I don’t dwell on the shit he’s done like you two. I don’t give a fuck about any of that. I love him, and I’ll be there for him for as long as he wants me to be,” you finished, sending the two agents a glare before turning on your heel and pulling Bucky along with you.

Bucky was speechless. He turned to face you, but he wished he hadn’t. 

Hot, angry tears were threatening to fall, but you quickly blinked them away. Your eyebrows were furrowed in distress as you quickened your place, your grip on his hand still as tight as ever, as if you never wanted to let him go. You were distressed. Upset. 

Because of him.

_ Leave me out _

_ All these things that we do _

_ They help us grow _

_ Just let me go _

_ You needed me to _

_ Get clean just for you _

_ We never spoke _

_ We never address this true _

After that incident, Bucky couldn’t help but think of your face from that day as the two of you were walking away from those agents. The look in your eyes-- sadness mixed with anger, the tears that were almost spilled for him. 

So when you sat him down on the sofa and gently put your hand on his thigh, he thought it was over. But he couldn’t lash out again this time-- he shouldn’t. It took everything in him to keep himself under control. He had to hear what you wanted to say to him. You looked up at him with pleading eyes before saying:

“I want you to go see a therapist. Who knows, maybe it will help you.”

He flinched, his breath hitching slightly as you squeezed his thigh. You mistook this for the beginning of another blowout, so you quickly withdrew your hand away from him. Bucky noticed this, and gently took your hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. 

“I could give it a try.”

_ The faces we put on our scars _

_ And then they let me down _

_ I’m famous for my flaws and scars _

_ It's such a heavy crown _

_ When they all got eyes on you _

And try he did.

He scheduled a weekly meeting with the therapist in the compound. It wasn’t an easy process, but he knew he had to do it. Not just for you, not just for Steve, but for himself too. No longer did he want to hide himself from the world, to lash out on his loved ones. He wanted to be able to walk with his head up high, and take whatever people said about him and throw it back at them, instead of agreeing with them and dwelling in his feelings. His way of coping was by no means healthy, and it took him being able to listen to you just once to be able to get some sense of normalcy back.

_ I've been left alone all my time spent in my head _

_ Try defending all my sins _

_ And if you could only know my body language _

_ We could hold conversations _

_ I've been patient _

He wondered how long you were waiting to bring it up to him. How long you’ve been waiting in the corner, with those words stuck behind closed lips. How many times he’s lashed out at you whenever you tried to ask him. How many times he shut you out in the past. How you managed to stay with him despite the way he’s treated you. 

_ You said you're running out _

_ I don't want to believe it _

_ You said you've grown it _

_ You know I won't _

_ You said I let you down _

_ I don't want to believe it _

_ I know I won't x2 _

He had a nightmare that night, where he was still the same person he was before seeking help. Where he and you would go through the constant loop of trying to communicate, but being unable to due to him lashing out. Images of you shaking in fear, hiding, huddled somewhere small and dark just to get away, even though he’s never laid a finger on you. He saw your face from the hallway incident looking right at him as he crouched down to look at you better. You screamed, causing him to wake up screaming too.

  
  


_ I've been left alone all my time spent in my head _

_ Try defending all my sins _

_ And if you could only know my body language _

_ We could hold conversations _

_ I've been patient _

You woke up instantly, seeing him thrashing about on the bed. Your heart broke as you tried to calm him down, wrapping your arms around him and holding him tightly. You held him like that, softly asking him to breathe in time with you to stop how erratic his breaths were. 

The two of you stayed like that for a long time before you felt him shivering slightly, followed by quiet sobbing. You combed your fingers through his hair and rocked him gently, never loosening your hold on him. 

“Shh,” you soothed him quietly. “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re here. We’re okay.”

“I’m so sorry…,” he breathed out.

You rested his head on your chest as you kept holding him and playing with his hair. “I know you are, Bucky. It’s all okay.”

He thanked you softly before closing his eyes once more, before eventually falling back asleep.

You laid him down before lying back into back, your arm draped over his bare chest.

“I love you, Bucky,” you whispered, planting a kiss on his cheek.

_ I've been left alone all my time spent in my head _

_ Try defending all my sins _

_ And if you could only know my body language _

_ We could hold conversations _

_ I've been patient _


End file.
